Directed by:
Magnus ver Magnusson
(The Bare Witch Project
The Blair Witch Project
The Blair Witch Project 2 -
This time it's scary)
Starring:
Jack Nicholson Cage
Helen Hunt
Tom Hanks
An emotional tale of Ryan (Jack Nicholson Cage) who suffers from severe shyness. The burden falls squarely onto the neat fitting squared shoulders of Ogden Mamfoosa (Helen Hunt) to bring him out of his pit of despair (aka the love shack) and back into the real world where he can live a dreary, miserable life like the rest of us. Along his journey, he is accompanied by a small cricket called Jeremy Cockmonster (Tom Hanks) who verbally abuses him for the whole 2 hour duration of the film.
When I first sat down to watch this film I was tired and cold. 10 minutes into the film i was still tired and still cold. This is the power of film my friends. Hollywood movie magic at its best. The problem with this film, however, was that some cheap skate at the production company had traveled into the past to cut down on the cost of this magic (supposedly in the days of yore £1 could buy you a bag of chips, a PS2 and crack rocks for all of your friends), which despite the attempts to conceal it, is very obvious in certain points when landmines go off and Germans run through the camera shot screaming "Schaut mein Schnorrer groß in dies an?"
Apart from the feeble financial aspect of the film, it would be a very good story line if it wasn't padded with nonsensical scenes. When Jeremy Cockmonster has his 15 minute solo scene which includes no less than 15 minutes of cursing and cock jokes, it is followed closely by Ryan and Ogden Mamfoosa doing the robot to 'original homeboy'. If this was 'The Matrix 4 - Regurgitation' it would be expected and accepted but unlike the matrix, this is no comedy. Not by design anyway.
-->Spoiler Alert--
Ogden saves Ryan from the love shack after defeating the playboy panty monsters who wander aimlessly around his apartment between making workout videos and topless pillow fights. Ryan seems slightly upset by this and I quote the line 'you bitch! You fucking little bitch!' which is clearly representing his traumatisation of seeing Ogden tear the lungs out of the evil bikini love slaves. (tid-bit. Barry Pepper stunt acted this scene. did you notice?).
Ryan then steals 60 cars in 60 seconds in the most realistic part of the film, and drives the stolen mp390z super car across the country in a road trip-ish fashion with beer, car chases and a coming of age scene that any 'American Pie/American Pie 2/American Pie 3/ (ad-infinitum)' fan would be proud of.
It may be worth pointing out that the car scene is actually a time shifted six hour scene which is included in full on the bonus dvd. All six hours. All the fart jokes. Great.
In conclusion, if you like film, you might love this. If you don't like film, you still might love this. Or you might not. I didn't actually watch the whole thing so I have no real opinion but i can make up scores like no other. Now feel my numerical force heathen.
Story - 41%
Acting - 42%
Action - 69% (what the hell happened?)
Music - 11%
Nudity - 5% (I was expecting tons of naked shenanigans as i misread the title)
Refreshments available - 15% (would have got 20% but the concierge spat as he spoke, which wouldn't be so bad if he
wasn't calling me gay at the time)
TOTAL
183%
